Has the Whole World With Him
From: "Business Course I" by Gary North
"Clean up your room!" Have you heard this before, or a similar demand? How about, "Pick your clothes up off floor! I've told you a thousand times! Why don't you ever listen?"
Indeed, why doesn't he ever listen? Isn't there some way, to make him listen? It can't be that hard to tidy up a bit!
Since ancient times adults have tried to bend youth to their will.
And since ancient times, youth have pushed back.
Tis human nature: pressure on someone creates an opposite reaction.
Carnegie provides the solution. But it cuts both ways.
In fact, the above is the wrong question to ask. The objective is self-defeating. It is likewise for a similar question, "What if I could make him see things my way?"
Rather, adopt the top message of Carnegie's book...
This message is framed in terms of Sales. But it applies to all types of Influence.
From today's vantage it may seem obvious to "focus on the customer." But it was merely a short lifetime ago that the tables were turned.
Take Banking for example: institutions in the business of providing financial services. For reasons beyond the scope of this essay, the local bank in town was part of a legal monopoly network.
Even though one of us "consumers" is - legally speaking - a creditor to the bank when we deposit funds, it used to be that the banks called the shots. They had strict requirements for account holders, and levied costly fees for any transgression. Bankers were not known for empathizing with the client.
Banks and other institutions have changed significantly in the last half century. In fact, we are already accustomed to brand new institutions operating by new rules. Take Google for example. For all their faults, they set the bar high for seeing things from the customer's perspective.
Anyone who ever wanted to influence another cares. This is pretty much everybody. Even those who don't want to bend others to their will, for example, often cringe when they watch their children or others engage in self-destructive behavior. They would influence the latter if they could.
Out of the dozens of topics in Dale Carnegie's "How To Win Friends and Influence People," I chose this one to focus on because it is
So maybe you care about Influence. What if handed to you on a silver platter were...
Carnegie perfectly illustrates the Secret through a story.
I often went fishing up in Maine during the summer. Personally I am very fond of strawberries and cream, but I have found that for some strange reason, fish prefer worms. So when I went fishing, I didn't think about what I wanted. I thought about what they wanted. I didn't bait the hook with strawberries and cream. Rather, I dangled a worm or a grasshopper in front of the fish and said: "Wouldn't you like to have that?"
Now you have the Secret. It should seem obvious.
You don't CREATE the want, you AMPLIFY the want. -Dale Carnegie
But here comes the other edge of the sword. This approach is not a get-rich-quick scheme nor a manipulation technique.
Carnegie explicitly states that a core requirement is to be Genuine. The fallout is that you can not bend another to your will. Actually, the whole point is for you to bend to their will.
Discover what they want, and build on that desire.
Carnegie: "That is so good, I want to repeat it: 'If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own.'"
Arouse in the other person an eager want.
Here is what I say, based on my experience. This is my story of how I learned the Secret first hand.
I grew up more or less old school. Similar for my cohorts, this idea still held sway: "Spare the rod, spoil the child." So be it. But I found that approach inadequate for bringing up my own children.
So what to do?
By way of illustration, here is what I learned with my new puppy.
Dogs are brutes. You can not reason with them. Violence is a prime factor in a dog's life - or, I should say, in a wild animal's life.
So I went to dog training school. [The instructor was sure to inform that training was not so for the dog, but for the owner.] I learned that there are two methods of animal training.
Further, for one degree of reward, an equivalent effect requires 5~10 times as much punishment.
Dog treats rule.
But here is the epiphany: "Come." The command "Come" is both basic and distinctive. But you may only use one method. Think about it. How do you punish if a dog does not come? The more you punish, the less it will come!
"Come" can only be trained by reward.
That is the epiphany. Punishment is nearly useless in this regard.
The "successful" trainer can only bend the dog to his will so far as the dog wants to comply.
Corollary: Your will may have to change.
Such is the Secret to Success.
As Gary North emphasizes, negative sanctions are mandatory in a healthy environment. But negative sanctions and "corrections" should be used sparingly. Corrections are as little as 10% effective as rewards.
So what about the boy with a messy room?
The only (efficient and enduring) manner to influence him is to lead him to see that it is in his own interest to keep his room up.
But maybe, just maybe, you look at it from his point of view and ... it's logical? From a cost/benefit analysis, maybe the "cost" of his lost time of enjoyable activities is not worth the "benefit" of a clean floor. Maybe his girlfriend comes over and doesn't even notice the socks for all the other things that she is interested in?
More than bending one to your will, The Secret requires you to identify what is important in life.
You must perform some soul-searching to find the answer. But if you need a short answer then choose: Happiness.
Remember: "First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way."